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Rough Stuff

by Qiana

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1.
on the way to Springfield, I thought I would die from the loneliness you left with me that night pretending not to know me, pretending she was yours and running away whenever I stepped on the porch but on the way home, the rain came in sheets and I thought we were gonna flip the SUV I saw myself crushed by a stream of cars got back not caring where you are did I ever tell you about the third time Austin left when I was in my old house? I didn't leave my bed except to piss or shit and it went on for like five days before my roommates stepped in the point I'm trying to make is all cuts scab and all scabs flake away you're not the wound I make you out to be I'm just a sad girl with skinned knees now I'm afraid of fire, but not for long there's bound to be more coals for me to skip along so I will soak my calloused feet and dry my sweaty palms and venture for more crooked paths to stumble on
2.
Cabinets 04:55
I am wary of your tea 'cause I expect sweetness but only find leaves and the strays left in my cup that you don't want me to read spell "go", but I know how sweet it used to be but sugar runs low and honey gets old I ate you out of house and home and would you think it cruel if I were to assume your cabinets aren't bare only you what a pretty cage you cast such a pitty gold paint don't last I spent years squeezing through those bars plucked my feathers clean goes to show that you don't know that birds do more than sing and you took everything but forgot to clip my wings I'll go elsewhere for seed I don't care if it's cruel 'cause I have to assume your cabinets aren't bare only you I'e got so much left to say but you keep my voice in frays and I wanna run away but you keep me bound in chains of yesterday in your skin I made a home wore it thin, I'm free to roam but ain't it funny how I can't find the north star? oh no, should have known you'd thrown me out this far without your steady hands I've forgotten how to stand but I will learn how to your fabled empty room I found my clothes and shoes your cabinets aren't bare only you
3.
I can't begin to describe the state that I've been in again it's like a wind so strong it caved me in and then shot splinters through my skin I can't have you in my head with my brains all blowing 'round and I can't have you in my bed if my house is falling down all I'm capable of is a hug don't let the wind sweep me up you'd think with this swarm of bees in my heart I could keep warm but for sure I shiver in their storm I guess I need some way to remind myself of the wolf I made every day forever lonesome in the glade because it's hard to build a love when your tools are blowing 'round and how am I supposed to help you if my feet don't touch the ground all I'm capable of is a snub I'm just a storm in a cup
4.
More Wine 02:42
I built a shrine and I pay tribute every day cut and pasted clouds hung in my skies reminders that gods only listen to you if you pray and that my fickle heart ain't worth their time so I am quiet in my need because it's mere desire, only greed and it's a sin to pray for things that are up to someone else entirely heard the news when I was drunk and out of town not thirty feet away, a freight train starts the wind picked up and blanketed me in the sound a lonely, lazy foghorn in my heart so I laid back down on the curb and I had to be home for work but my friends pour me more, 'cause love's a battlefield and they know that I'd been hurt I make up for lost time with my mind and I take confession all the time and I've run out of wafers now but I will substitute them with more wine
5.
you flew north before I had the chance you fled her and the heartbreak in the heartland I don't mind, I wouldn't impose you need the wind in your sails and the dust off your clothes and maybe when you come back, you'll have a story or three maybe you'll have a trinket from the mountains for me just don't search too hard for your paramour anew 'cause you've got someone waiting for you I've been nowhere and seen nothing except I've seen worlds in every person that I've met some are iced and cold, but yours is made of gold with trees so heavy with fruit, they fold and maybe you'll walk me through your garden when you're home if you're not tired of each passing traffic cone we can head out on the road start a journey of our own the blue jays, shades of morning sky ransack nests without two reasons why and the bear cubs, toothless and benign will turn to monsters in the blink of an eye and I heard the devil has a sweet voice like yours with the beauty of all your twinkling shores so show me your palms, if they're not hooves I'll walk through the mountains with you
6.
Porcelain 02:25
made him a dream catcher with a doe charm in it and he hasn't hit a deer since your faith in god bordered on cultish but I thought you were a witch and when I see you anymore, you're a doll propped up on the couch from your summer gown, to your fickle hair to your painted, placid mouth and I remember you from high school and I remember you husky and mean and I remember when you started throwing up your food and flaunting your brand new size 3 jeans when I graduated I was hired at the same Arby's you'd worked at before they said you kept fainting from hunger and they got tired of picking you off the floor wanted to get to know you, but you wouldn't take my help you were busy waiting for your prince to come, you were busy waiting to be held and I thought you were vain and I thought you were weak and I thought that you were stuck up 'cause you wouldn't ever speak to me the last time that I saw you was the night before you left and you were sweet as honeydew, said you were moving south and starting fresh and I can respect that 'cause, y'know I've been wanting that for years and I don't hope that you get what you want, but I hope you learn to dry your tears 'cause honey, don't you know that men won't save you anymore and if you want safe harbor, you're better off on your own shores and I'm not telling you to stay, 'cause I know after so many mistakes you're better off just throwing it all away
7.
feminist killjoy still breaks herself over unworthy boys thinks herself a marksman, never knew the poise I knew what you would do, so why am I so sad? I can sense the rain, but I didn't know it'd storm so bad stupid baby knows stoves are hot, grabs the coils anyway terrified of needles, plays with rattlesnakes what I felt in the marrow of my bones finally came to pass I can sense the rain, but I didn't know it'd storm so bad
8.
did you ever wear your hoodie after I returned it? did you notice strands of my hair, or my scent? I think you didn't and I feel like a creep for needing to say this much you don't know about the torches that I keep and it's been months but you're staring into diamond eyes every night for all I know I'm just sad that I never got to see you in your summer clothes now you're coming home, but only for a u-haul gone to stay with that girl you met up in the northwest, 'cause that's how fast you fall and I'm not bummed out at all and by all means, go follow your crazy fucking dreams but before you leave again, there's one thing that I need I'm sorry but my hands are tied, and I've tried lord knows but you took my heart with you packed it up with your summer clothes

about

written on my first guitar, recorded on my first smartphone

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released September 22, 2014

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Qiana Pekin, Illinois

Sad folk twee bs from the midwest

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